What To Do When Addicts Say Hurtful Things

Medically reviewed by Dr. Richard A. Marasa, MD, MBA — Board Certified in Addiction Medicine, Emergency Medicine & Internal Medicine | Updated March 2026

• Hurtful words from someone with addiction are driven by the disease, not by their true feelings. Substance abuse alters brain chemistry and impairs judgment, leading to distorted thinking and communication breakdowns.
• Setting clear boundaries is essential — calmly communicate what behavior is unacceptable and enforce consequences consistently.
• Enabling behaviors (making excuses, providing money, shielding from consequences) can unintentionally prolong the addiction cycle.
• Support is available for you, too. Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, and family support programs help loved ones cope, set boundaries, and heal.
• If you or someone you love needs help, call SAMHSA's National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357 (free, confidential, 24/7).

Understanding Addiction and Hurtful Remarks

When dealing with addiction, it is important to understand the link between addiction and hurtful remarks. Substance abuse can significantly impact a person's ability to communicate effectively, leading to the use of hurtful words.

Impact of Addiction on Communication

Addiction can alter brain chemistry and cognitive functions, impairing a person's ability to communicate in a healthy and constructive manner. According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA), substance abuse alters brain circuits involved in reward, stress, and self-control — changes that can persist long after drug use stops.

Furthermore, addiction can cause intense feelings of shame, guilt, and self-loathing. These negative emotions can manifest as anger or resentment towards loved ones, leading to hurtful remarks.

Causes of Hurtful Remarks

Hurtful remarks from people struggling with addiction are often a consequence of their disease and may not reflect their true feelings. The American Psychological Association (APA) notes that addiction can lead to distorted thinking, making it difficult for individuals to differentiate between their addictive mindset and their genuine thoughts.

People with addiction may use hurtful words as a defense mechanism, to manipulate others, or to deflect responsibility. The addictive mindset may prioritize substance use over maintaining healthy relationships.

It is essential to remember that these hurtful remarks do not necessarily reflect the person's true feelings or intentions. They are often a product of the addiction and should be understood within that context.

Dealing with Hurtful Words

Establishing Clear Boundaries

Setting clear boundaries is essential when dealing with hurtful words. Consider these steps:

1. Calmly communicate: Express your feelings assertively, letting the person know their hurtful words are not acceptable.
2. Define consequences: Clearly communicate what will follow if the behavior continues.
3. Consistency: Consistently reinforce the boundaries you have set.
4. Seek support: Reach out to a therapist or family support program for guidance on maintaining healthy boundaries.

Seeking Emotional Support

Dealing with hurtful words can be emotionally challenging. Consider these sources of support:

1. Friends and family who can provide a listening ear.
2. Support groups like Al-Anon or Nar-Anon for shared understanding.
3. Therapy approaches like cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) to develop effective coping mechanisms.

Enabling Behaviors and Consequences

Definition of Enabling

Enabling, as described by WebMD, refers to behaviors that, although intended to be helpful, provide a means for a loved one to continue using substances without facing consequences. Examples include making excuses, providing money, or shielding them from outcomes.

Recognizing and Addressing Enabling

Recognizing enabling is essential to breaking the cycle. To address it, establish clear boundaries and hold the person accountable. The SAMHSA National Helpline (1-800-662-4357) provides free, confidential, 24/7 referrals and support for families.

Coping Strategies for Loved Ones

Separating Self-Worth from Words

Understand that hurtful words are a reflection of the addiction, not your worth. Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist to reinforce positive self-esteem.

Setting and Maintaining Boundaries

Communicate assertively and calmly. Clearly express what is acceptable, and be consistent in enforcing boundaries. Setting boundaries does not mean cutting off love — it means setting limits on what you will tolerate while still supporting recovery.

Seeking Help and Support

Professional Assistance

Treatment programs like those at Clear Steps Recovery connect individuals with experienced professionals. Approaches include CBT, DBT, and medication-assisted treatment (MAT).

Resources for Family and Friends

The National Institute on Drug Abuse offers free resources on how addiction affects the brain. Al-Anon and Nar-Anon provide safe spaces for family members. For immediate support, call SAMHSA at 1-800-662-4357.

Prevention and Early Intervention

Early Identification

Early identification of substance use problems is far more effective than waiting for crises. Watch for changes in behavior, increased secrecy, withdrawal from activities, and mood swings.

Importance of Seeking Help Early

Treatment programs including IOP, PHP, and medical detox address the physical, psychological, and social conditions of addiction. We serve families across New Hampshire and Massachusetts. Call (603) 769-8981 (NH) or (781) 765-0001 (MA).

Why do addicts lie to the people they love?

Lying is common in addiction because the brain's reward system has been hijacked by the substance. People may lie to avoid confrontation, protect access to substances, or because of deep shame. According to NIDA, addiction changes brain circuits involved in self-control and decision-making, making dishonesty a symptom of the disease.

How do I set boundaries without feeling guilty?

Setting boundaries is an act of love. Guilt is natural, but boundaries create structure that supports recovery. Consider working with a therapist or joining Al-Anon to learn techniques from others who understand your experience.

Should I attend Al-Anon meetings?

Al-Anon meetings are highly recommended for anyone affected by a loved one's substance use. They provide a confidential, supportive environment with free meetings available in person and online.

How do I know if I'm enabling?

Signs include making excuses, covering up mistakes, providing financial support that funds substance use, or avoiding confrontation. A family support program can help you identify and change these patterns.

Sources

• National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA). Drugs, Brains, and Behavior: The Science of Addiction.
• American Psychological Association (APA). Substance Use, Abuse, and Addiction.
• WebMD. Are You Enabling a Loved One's Addiction?
• SAMHSA. National Helpline: 1-800-662-4357.